Saturday, March 17, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Surprise Surprise!!!!
Girl 1: Oh I am doomed! That's my husband coming with my lover!
Girl 2: I was about to say the same-thing too!
Girl 2: I was about to say the same-thing too!
0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Christmas Angel
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce Toys as fast as the regular
ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was Coming To visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were About to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the Floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys Were
scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of Apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all The Cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally Dropped The cider jug, and it Broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice Had Eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell Rang, and irritated Santa marched to the
door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said Very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree.
ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was Coming To visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were About to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the Floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys Were
scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of Apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all The Cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally Dropped The cider jug, and it Broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice Had Eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell Rang, and irritated Santa marched to the
door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said Very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree.
Chicken Sandwiches
Don’t eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what…..
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwich.
He said, “Hey, how come you’re not eating chicken, don’t you like it anymore?”
She said “I love it but I have to stop eating it.”
“Why?” he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said “Cause I’m starting to grow little feathers down there!”
“Let me see” he said.
“Okay” and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, “That’s right. You are! ?Better not eat any more chicken.”
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, “I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I’m starting to get feathers down there too!”
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!
She said, “Oh, my God, it’s too late for you! You’ve already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwich.
He said, “Hey, how come you’re not eating chicken, don’t you like it anymore?”
She said “I love it but I have to stop eating it.”
“Why?” he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said “Cause I’m starting to grow little feathers down there!”
“Let me see” he said.
“Okay” and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, “That’s right. You are! ?Better not eat any more chicken.”
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, “I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I’m starting to get feathers down there too!”
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!
She said, “Oh, my God, it’s too late for you! You’ve already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!
The Knob
A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called ‘The Knob,’ where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman’s head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted ‘The Knob.’
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. “All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her closely and said, ‘Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.”
She said, “Well, I guess there’s no point in asking about the goatee.”
Of course, the woman wanted ‘The Knob.’
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. “All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her closely and said, ‘Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.”
She said, “Well, I guess there’s no point in asking about the goatee.”
Infrequently
In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. “How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly.
“Well,” she said, responding very carefully, “I’d have to say….I would like it infrequently.”
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked: “Is that one word or two words?”
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. “How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly.
“Well,” she said, responding very carefully, “I’d have to say….I would like it infrequently.”
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked: “Is that one word or two words?”
Working In The Morgue
Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue.
One of them turns to the other and says, “You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she’d been there for three weeks. Man, I’m tellin’ you, her clit was just like a pickle.”
“What,” the other asks, “green?”
“No,” says the first, ” a bit sour.”
One of them turns to the other and says, “You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she’d been there for three weeks. Man, I’m tellin’ you, her clit was just like a pickle.”
“What,” the other asks, “green?”
“No,” says the first, ” a bit sour.”
An Elephant’s Victim Never Forgets
A man goes to the doctor and says “I’ve got a huge hole in my ass.”
The doctors says “drop your pants, bend over and let’s have a look”.
“Fuck me!!” says the doctor. “What could have made a hole as big as that?”
Patient replies “I’ve been fucked by an elephant.”
The doctor says “An elephant’s penis is long and thin. This hole is enormous”.
Patient replies “He fingered me first.”
The doctors says “drop your pants, bend over and let’s have a look”.
“Fuck me!!” says the doctor. “What could have made a hole as big as that?”
Patient replies “I’ve been fucked by an elephant.”
The doctor says “An elephant’s penis is long and thin. This hole is enormous”.
Patient replies “He fingered me first.”
Michael Jackson’s New Baby
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks: “Doctor, how long before we can have sex?”
The doctor replies, “I’d wait until he’s at least 14.”
The doctor walks in and Michael asks: “Doctor, how long before we can have sex?”
The doctor replies, “I’d wait until he’s at least 14.”
Three Whores
Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.
After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.
The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.
The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, “You didn’t leave an outline.”
She says, “Smell the rim.”
After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.
The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.
The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, “You didn’t leave an outline.”
She says, “Smell the rim.”
A Leper In A Bar
A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, “Hey, I know I’m not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them.”
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, “I’m sorry as hell man, but it wasn’t you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his scratchings in your neck.”
The leper looked hurt and said, “Hey, I know I’m not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them.”
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, “I’m sorry as hell man, but it wasn’t you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his scratchings in your neck.”
Two Sanitary Pads And Two Tampons
Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two tampons.
Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other, “Should we say hi to those two tampons?”
The other pad responded, “Err… nah… they’re stuck up cunts.”
Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other, “Should we say hi to those two tampons?”
The other pad responded, “Err… nah… they’re stuck up cunts.”
Burning Rubber
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
“Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.”
The pharmacist fainted.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
“Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.”
The pharmacist fainted.
Steve Irwin and the Crocodile
A crocodile was walking along the high street one day looking for some shoes. "Ah" he said spotting a nice pair "there's my nephew - and what a fine pair of shoes he made." So anyhow this crocodile goes into the shop and takes out his credit card and pays for these shoes. "Er excuse me" says the crocodile. "I have four feet and you have only sold me two shoes." "Well ...
The Blonde And The Bull
There are two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, and they inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they canbreed their own stock. They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide ...
